She's Baaack!

Yes, it has been nearly two months. After all this time, 2005 is nearly over. It's Christmas time...finals time...crunch time. I can say that the fourteen day hiatus from prison will be greatly appreciated. Today is our fifth hour final, the hardest test I have ever taken,which consists of absolutely positively...nothing. Yesterday Mr. Hedburg told us that our final exam in his class (Criminal Justice) would be nonexistent. And we aren't supposed to be out in the halls during finals time, so naturally, our entire class left and roamed the halls. Our wonderful instructor completely disregards the rules most of the time, the man has never given a detention or a tardy in his life, and his students usually do whatever they please during his classes. So here I am in the library with 30 minutes left to go in this hour of extreme duress, and I have nothing productive to do with my time. I have a history paper that will be one week overdue when I turn it in on Monday, an English essay, and several other pressing tasks that I choose not to work on right now. I recently found out that our family had been given a WONDERFUL blessing for Christmas. I know that God is looking out for us this year. This awesome lady at our church, who has become more like a second mother to me, has really been with me through everything this year. She thought about about what she could do for us, and she decided to ask her workplace to adopt our family for Christmas. I've done adopt-a-family stuff before, and it's nice, you get the family a few small presents and it isn't much, but it is something, and the people are always really grateful. But apparently, people at her work just came out of nowhere wanting to help us. So, not only do we have more Christmas presents under the tree in our living room now than we have in years, but a few nights ago I took my brother out for ice cream, and I came home to a COMPUTER downstairs, with desk and chair and all that was just for me! I was so shocked, I could hardly speak when I sat down at my desk. They also gave my brother a DVD player as his big gift. They gave us money for groceries and helped us out with the utility bills too!! I could not be more thankful for what this woman and her family have done for us. What a bright spot in what was going to be kind of a dull Christmas season. I've really been learning not to even think about the gift part of it; I couldn't even tell anyone what I wanted this year. I don't really need anything. That surprised me, but I guess it's all part of the whole maturing thing. All I want for Christmas is for mi familia to be happy. Merry Christmas everyone!

It's Been Awhile...

Sorry everyone (I say this as if there are actually a few people out there reading), I realize that it has now been a month since I last posted, and unfortunately my posts will become less frequent. There have been some events in my life recently that have been pretty tough, and along with these issues, I no longer have the internet at home. So, I'll try to write as often as I can, I'm certainly not going anywhere, but know that it is a little difficult me to write a weekly or biweekly entry for now. I miss the internet and cable television, but there are certainly more important things, like buying groceries and having a home. God is teaching me a lot now that I am, for the first time in my life really learning to do without, but let's hope none of you never experience that. Prayers, as always would be much appreciated. Pax "Jesus promises a life in which we increasingly have to stretch our hands and be lead into places where we would rather not go." - Henri Nouwen

As the world explodes... I am alive

It was just an ordinary school day. I arrived at 7:30, I visited my locker, ran some errands, and sat down to my normal morning socialization at "the spot" by my friends' lockers. Oh yeah, and then all 1600 of students and staff were herded out of the building into the cold morning sun. Yes, it was just your average ordinary Wednesday. As police officers began to rush into the building and began blocking late arriving students from entering at all after they climbed out of their cars, we began to wonder. My first thought... why are we having an assembly at 8 am? No...that couldn't be. Why are we having a drill at 8 am... no that couldn't possibly be. Then, one of my all knowing sources arrived and calmly, cooly informed me that someone had callled in with a bomb threat. Picture the face on the secretary... she has her morning coffee, and at 7:40 am, the phone rings.... she cheerfully answers, "Washburn Rural High School, how may I help you?" and hears the response of some maniac saying that he (or she, I will not stereotype) will be blowing the school to smithereens that day. What does one say to that? I imagine that there was complete silence on her end of the conversation as she perhaps dropped the reciever in shock. If anyone ever thinks that they are having a bad day at school, you try and sit with 1500 of your peers in your school's football stadium in the early morning, being told to sit down and shut up... and waiting.... for TWO AND A HALF HOURS as all feeling leaves your body and you are rendered entirely numb from the lovely morning breeze. Now, bomb threats and other school violence are an old hat for me, who experienced one at the tender age of eight, when my entire fourth grade class walked two miles to my house after some idiot called our ELEMENTARY school with such a threat. That cold November day, I rang the doorbell and smiled at my mother's aghast expression, "Mommy, can we come inside? It's really cold out here." Oh how I wish they would have sent us SOMEWHERE today. The middle school is a two minute walk NEXT DOOR and would have been perfectly able to accomodate us. After losing the feeling in my arms and legs I was seriously considering joining the small line of little girls from that school, running laps outside in their p.e. uniforms. The girl in the stands selling candy bars for some fundraiser, made a killing, selling her entire box in a matter of five minutes. "OH MY GOSH! SHE HAS FOOD. Quick, who has a dollar??" Yeah, stick a couple thousand teenagers in a set of bleachers and tell them to do nothing for hours on end- there were fights breaking out, crazy people running everywhere, person after person picking up their cell phone to call a friend, then standing up to wave their hands at the person they were calling- "I'M OVER HERE!" I am guilty on that last item, I used Bek's cell phone to call Ray, who was sitting all the way across the stadium. Some wimps even got their gullible parents to pick them up! All I wanted to do was call my mom and ask for a sweatshirt... or an enormous pot of hot cofee. But life moved on, bless those band kids who entertained us on the field, not for their normal one hour practice, but for three and a half hours total. Another image I wil never forget... a line of teachers, expressions grim, arms linked, almost as if in protest, standing next to the school, blocking the way to the parking lot so no one, I mean no one could get out. Where is my camera when I need it? Finally, at ten thirty or so... we were allowed back into the holding blocks- I have never been so happy to see those hallowed halls in my high school career. The sudden warmth sent all of our bodies into a sort of euphoric shock. Of course, it affected the entire school day, and insane rumors continued to take wing as no one spoke of anything else for the next three hours or so. Oh, and by the by... total number of weapons of mass destruction that entered our school building this a.m.- zero. The call was traced to some phone at the mall. Fantastic. If this was some sort of senior prank, I don't think that their fifteen hundred peers will be too thrilled with them come tomorrow morning. But I wouldn't put it past some people... Someone is gonna get hauled off! (Tomorrow's episode- Officer Targett- resident bulky police officer/security personnel- bolts down the hall, keys jingling as he tackles and cuffs the culprit...I wish... it happens every week anyway!) Much love and peace and all that... I wish bombs didn't exist... (a naiive wish, I know) but they do make for an exciting school morning.

Ready to Wave the White Flag...

(A topic for discussion... seriously, someone give me some feedback on this) The word of the day is PASSION. As I walked the halls of my high school today, the thought overwhelmed me time and time again... HOW in the world do these people live like this? They have no spark... no enthusiasm... no visible fragment of intelligence (mainly due to ignorance and apathy). It prompted me to scream (inwardly), "Is there anyone alive out there?!?" I will never understand how these depraved folks get by. There is literally NOTHING beyond the latest "hot guy," and "what's for lunch today?" and my personal favorite... often yelled at my peers in the hall "*#!? you *#$!!" From the perspective of this crazy yet passionate person, these people are DEAD. How can you live without passion? Seriously, I want to know if these kids realize how empty their lives are. It makes me want to scream in their apathetic faces- DO SOMETHING! RESPOND! Don't they have the capacity to drop their selfish mindset and look beyond themselves...for just a moment? (Note to the reader who cries "hypocrite!" I know, I am just as selfish as the next person, but at least I occasionally realize it!) I realize that this is harsh. I know that it is not my role to judge. But is it too much to expect something? These are the people I am called to love, and yet when I attempt to do exactly that, I am greeted with a blank stare. What has happened to us? Perhaps it is not something that has happened the rest of the world, but to me. I am NOT the same person I was when we left in May. My world perspective was turned inside out and upside down. Coming down after such an incredible high, and wanting to tell the world about all the things that God taught me has been an incredibly surreal experience. Now, back in the world, I find that my cries of passion fall on deaf ears. I expected everyone to change, and of course, they did not. I'm no fool, I should have realized that. To these people who experience with me the joys and pains of our education, I am nothing. I am still the same goody goody, Bible banger, perfect little scholar, suckup and hypocrite that I always have been. I have been called many things. I have quit caring what these people's opinions are of me, but what I want more than anything is for them to hear what I have to say- just once. There is so much life out there. There is so much more than today. There is true joy, love and PASSION if you only stop for a moment and look. Despite my ranting, I love these people, and I'm learning how to love even those that are not easy to care for. They are my ministry, my mission field, though I have a poor way of showing it. I simply want some affirmation, that someone would tell me that what I do matters. Forget being a Christian, it's difficult to understand folks who aren't passionate and committed about something- surely one day they will wake up and realize what they have been missing. Carpe diem- we only have one chance. Being passionate is exhausting. I want to change the world, and yet I feel so ill equipped- nothing but faith and all the passion I can muster, which apparently is a lot, and it often freaks people out. Three cheers to all who aren't afraid to live out loud, who do not fear emotional outpourings. To my brothers and sisters, please pray for me- for our schools, and for this town. I have an overwhelming feeling that God is out to accomplish something amazing this year, and I want to make it happen. But how do I do it? Will anyone hear me? ~J

So apparently I'm British...

I absolutely love classes where I can sit at the computer and do... absolutely nothing. I can sit here in the SS IMC (social studies instructional media center for all the WaRu slang challenged) during my 5th hour, in plain view of teachers and staff (technically computers are for educational purposes around here) and do whatever I please! Now, unfortunately, "class" is almost over, and in a few minutes I will go and join the rest of my hardworking peers for the final two hours of the day, then spend a lovely forty minutes on the yellow piece of hell on wheels (yes, I am a junior and I ride the bus- saves the gas dollar every time- those who don't use the free public transportation availiable to us are complete idiots!) with a bunch of twelve year olds. Ah, the joys of the high school experience. More later... (and I will explain the seemingly random title of this particular entry). Peace.

Let the Thunder Roll...

I love storms. What could be more relaxing (and, need I say, fun to watch) than to sit inside on a black night staring out your window watching AMAZING forks of lightning light up all creation for an instant, and then it all fades just as quickly to pitch black. I love the sound of the thunder, as if something enormous is happening all around me (maybe the angels are bowling in heaven, as I once heard at age five). But what I really love is sleeping through storms. Naps are awesome, by the way. When I arrived at home today I was utterly exhausted: physically, mentally, you name it- I felt it. "Thank God It's Friday" is a phrase that fits today exceptionally well. A few people I've spoken with literally feel like they've been dragging their tired behinds through the halls of our high school for a month. I didn't even bother to go downstairs, flip on the t.v., check my e-mail, or do anything that one normally does on a free Friday afternoon. I slept. For three hours. No one bothered to come in and wake me up, tell me there were things to be done, no one called- my wonderful family and friends let me take a rest. I have always been a naysayer when it comes to napping- unless you're ill, there simply aren't enough hours in the day already, and who has time to waste on more than 3 to 6 hours of unconsciousness each night? However, the older I get (the ripe old age of sixteen) the more I appreciate the restorative power of a short snooze. But three hours was still two and a half too many. The afternoon evaporated, and when I woke up, it was dinner time. Perhaps this is my cue to slow down a bit. I am truly going to be a busy woman. I won't even bother to list my activities list (it's LONG), plus the expectations that others have placed upon me (which are many), and, oh yeah, the course load. The AP kids are dropping like flies: can't handle the pressure and the workload, which is perfectly understandable- but I am one of the few stubborn mules that refuse to even think of quitting- I can do this, right? For the first time in my life, I am wondering how I can juggle it all. There lies yet another lesson that God taught me this summer-I am a mere mortal, I am NOT Superwoman, and I CANNOT do it all alone. I am learning to rely on Him for strength, no matter the circumstance. I have been raised to be strong, I have been forced into this mentality since I was seven years old- my life circumstances demanded it. I have become an absolute expert at putting on my mask, and telling the world that I have it all together. I have close friends that have told me that their first impression of me was "Her life is perfect. She's got it all together." What a lie I portrayed. How many times does He have to teach me the same thing? HOW stupid am I? Will never be able to understand how God deals with the extreme stupidity of his creatures. Take a look at our world if you wonder what I'm talking about. One thing is certain: in the past four months of my life I have been broken and humbled on a daily basis. But whoever perpetuated the falsity that our lives are supposed to be easy should be shot. Know this: we are owed nothing. Yes, that did take a really heavy turn. And I'm okay with that. To all of you out there who don't know the strength of the One who makes you strong- get a clue. I would not be alive this very day if it were not for His grace. Don't mean to be creepy or morbid;I am certain of that fact. I'm feeling a little underqualified right now. Here I am, expecting to start a Bible study for my younger peers, but by no means do I have it all together. Then again, I am never expected to. Thank goodness for that. I'll never forget, as long as I live, what I learned at midnight (or 2, 3 a.m.) on the rooftop. If you have never slept on a rough, cement rooftop with nothing but the gorgeous night sky as your ceiling, try it. If you can't get to a foreign country, say Mexico, try it in your backyard. You'd be surprised what you find- more than just shooting stars and the breeze. I would especially suggest this experience with 40-50 of your peers, who feel more like family after you live, work, shower and sleep together for a week and a half. Amazingly, it is possible to fall asleep to loud music from a nearby Mexican bar, people screaming and talking loudly, dogs barking in the streets, and (my personal favorite) a twelve part dissonant harmony of every Broadway showtune or retarded country song you can imagine (thanks for that, boys- we were cracking up about twenty feet away). This is how I fell asleep at night. There is something to be said, as well for late night pep talks (thank you Jana, Bek, Nae- I love you) and musings about life in general. So many stories...so many memories- I think I left my heart in Mexico. Let the storm winds blow.... ~Jade Quote of the day: "History is full of lies...more lies... and statistics... beware the statistics." -Gifford

When In Rome...

(I apologize folks, this is my first post on my ORIGINAL blog that I began yesterday and now cannot get into to update or make changes- i love computers. So here will be the REAL deal!) Friends...Topekans... Lend me your ears... Okay that was bad. Really bad. No more Caesar or other Shakespeare puns... ever... at least for today. A month from now, I can't promise I'll remember that vow. I know- I am a dork (and to quote doug, "I'm okay with that"). So here it is ladies and gentlemen: my blog. Yes, I have joined your insane journaling cult; I have joined the revolution. As a writer, I was, at first glance, dead against this "web logging" thing. There is nothing, in my mind, that can ever take the place of a good old fashioned journal and pencil. However... after pondering my view on this subject, I have decided that just because one joins the electronic world of journaling, doesn't mean that they must immediately, with reckless abandon, drop all integrity that they possess as a writer. Yes, I confess, I am a traditionalist. There are very few opinions I possess that I will back down on- I'm opinionated, and no one convinces me otherwise. But maybe, being able to type 60 words a minute on my computer (thank you keyboarding and comp. tech!) will allow this to be something more than my average journal entries.. which tend to become lazy as my tired hand begins to cramp. So here I sit, with about 25 other tasks I should be completing, procrastinating at my computer. My hands are ready. Sorry about all that- I just had to have a sort of melodramatic beginning (if you could call it that). Believe it or not, I am, on occaision, a drama queen. And not in the high maintenance complaining little sissy way either. I detest watching people act like that- try attending my high school if you need an example or fifty. What a weird world we live in. I thank God that it is only temporary. Some days I wonder if I can truly handle one more thing before I break, shattering into millions of tiny pieces. I have a lot on my plate in life, and is by His grace alone that I have survived. Pray for me, if you would please. Pray that my family survives this storm. Don't misunderstand me: I am, for the most part, a contented and generally happy person. I love a lot of things about my world; mainly the people I have the privelege of spending my days with- friends, brothers, sisters, acquaintances- all the people that make this earth a better place. I love to be involved- things just don't feel right if I'm not putting 100 percent into the busiest schedule possible. It's not superficial, it's what fulfills me. I'm sure I tend to come on a little strong to many folks, but over the years I quit caring so much about what people think- although I still get attacked with that issue on a weekly, if not daily basis. I refuse to be anyone but me. You don't like it- deal with it. It's only the Lord's opinion that matters after all. We are a moment, as the song says. This summer was (I regretfully use the past tense, because in every way but season, it has finally ended) the most AMAZING three months that I have ever spent in my entire life. I do not use that word lightly. I never knew, looking back at May, that I could cram so much into such a short time. I have learned a thing or two, believe it or not- I feel like I could write a book, or some sort of saga. But there are very few others, besides my brothers and sisters that I lived with most of the summer, that would EVER comprehend what we have been through. Everything began ordinarily enough: my plans were set- hanging out with the girls, Summer Sizzle, Blast, Mexico (mission trip, not vacation), maybe a part time job, bible study, and maybe getting to know the kids at youth group a little better. Little did I realize what God had in store for me. Maybe everyone that experienced these events with me does not feel the same way- but I know that there is more than one who do feel passionately about all that we did, as a youth group, as friends, as a team, and as a family. Shattered Expectation #1: I'll probably get bored a lot Who has the time to be bored when, not even five days into break, I recieve several calls that land me with, count 'em, THREE part time jobs. A word to the wise: do not do this if you want to sleep in relax and chill all summer. That is an obvious statement! These pieces of the insanity were NOT opportunities that I sought out.In a nutshell, a volunteer job and two child care jobs fell into my lap. All it takes is three phone calls from three desperate women. Thankfully, these wonderful ladies were all willing to work with my schedule, and I was allowed to take most of the month of July, along with several other days off, so that I could still maintain the rest of my insane activities schedule. (Since when did summer have a SCHEDULE??!) Unfortunately for me and my many riveted readers (ha!), the civilized world, and inevitable duty call. I have decided that I want more than three hours of sleep tonight. Much love ~Jade